The unsettling art of not being

[therealtrash]

Today I'm gonna talk about my predetermined life and my inability to be myself. Well... it's a recurring theme in my stories, the feeling of not having individuality, of feeling like an apart being of my family, of being trapped by blood ideologies. I am a trans guy. That's what I've been affirming for almost four years, since I found out. But am I really? When I live to please others, with my identity being shaped by others... Every day I have to pretend that the gender roles imposed on me even before I was born make sense. But, in reality, they don't make any sense to me. I can't rationally understand how the fact that my body is a certain way should oblige me to wear feminine clothes, act delicately, and want to have a husband and children. Well, I like boys, but I don't like the feeling that people expect that from me or think I would assume a passive position in a relationship. I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my own sense of identity. I don't like the term "identify as this gender," even though it's the most biological way to describe how trans people feel. I don't identify solely with social masculine attributes; I wish I had had all the male experiences in my life, I wish I had had a different body since birth, and even if I underwent hormone therapy and surgery, I would never feel like myself. I will always feel like an intruder in my own body and mind. You can call me problematic if I say I identify with a different sex. Yes, I used the term "sex." Although I also identify with a different gender. I don't feel completely welcomed by the trans community because I don't think I make sense to them. I'm not proud to be trans, I don't think I ever will be, actually. I wish I could say that I feel totally comfortable with my trans identity and that social and medical transition would be enough to make me feel like myself, but I think the only thing that would truly make me happy would be to die and be born again. The main purpose of my art is to distract myself from myself. My life is torture, and if I don't try to find a morbid pleasure in my own suffering, I can't keep going. I've made my life's purpose to be a mistake for society and to upset capitalists. I've made it my essence to feel that I shouldn't feel anything and to laugh at myself and society for still being alive. That's the essence of most of my characters too. Most of them are people that society doesn't care about and doesn't even treat as humans. My biggest passion project, which I've been working on for a long time, has as its main theme the feeling of having no purpose and feeling like losing own humanity. This comforts me; my cruel art is a solace for my decaying soul. You can call me an edge and cringe teenager, I've called a lot of people that too. But I need to make it clear that my experience as a trans person doesn't represent that of all trans people. I'm not a trans medicalist, I'm capable of feeling happiness and I have a normal sense of morality. Just to be clear before anyone tries to call me an edge teenager who says some bullshit about how special they are and that anyone who doesn't understand them is a brainless beta and some shit about school shootings. I'm very envious of people who have good family relationships. No, I don't get beaten at home, I don't have a drunk abusive parent, no, that doesn't mean my family is perfect. I have internal prejudices, like, I see a trans boy who feels comfortable with his own body and I think of him as a faker. No, I'm not proud of that, I don't go around saying bullshits to these people, although I've said a lot of bullshits online, I've never said smth related to that. I'm so tired of hiding my problems, I'm not perfect. I'm suffering from many problems that I don't know how to solve. Any advice would be welcome. Anyway, I feel very excited and happy with my works and I'm gonna focus on what makes me happy.

God, grant me the serenity to... you know what!? I don't fckn care! I don't want to pretend I'd be happy accepting things I can't change or that I believe in God, lol.