therealtrash | Entries tagged with #cds

I was at my aunt's house and she was looking at CDs in the DVD player. I asked her what she was watching and she said they were old family CDs, lost and forgotten, that were in an old shoebox. When she put the DVD in, I felt like I had traveled back in time, as if those CDs, forgotten for years, with no one wanting to see them anymore, were now free to tell their stories. My aunt put in a CD with old photos of my cousin from Orkut, from when she was in her emo phase. (Just to clarify, I have many aunts and cousins; the cousin in question is not the daughter of the aunt who was looking at the CDs.) Anyway, I felt really inspired and touched seeing those photos of my cousin in emo outfits, dark makeup, and exaggerated filters. I knew she had an emo phase, but I had never seen a picture of her from that time. I was very touched because my cousin, who is now married and a mother, was also that teen considered "weird" back then. She is one of my sweetest cousins; she, her husband, and daughter are awesome people, and I bet she was as happy back then as she is now. Those photos were exactly like those emo girl photos on Pinterest from the 2000s. I was shocked because I thought they were photos of someone else; she was so different and seemed so cool. It gave me a nostalgia for a time I didn't live through, but that I wish I had. Just to feel a little of those experiences. But I also felt kinda uncomfortable because all the media of me on those CDs were photos from when I was literally a child. And you know, I'm a trans boy, I don't feel comfortable looking at those photos from when I didn't have a single thought in my head and the adults were the ones choosing how I should express myself, and they did it by dressing me in dresses, bows, and all the feminine stereotypes, even though I had just arrived in this world and had no idea what gender roles were. I feel kinda lost in my family because, being trans, I can't look at my old photos and feel nostalgia, it's like a curse. That's why I feel more nostalgic looking at old photos of my cousin than at my own. I feel so powerless and small knowing that someone else has photos of me from when I was a child. Photos of my pregnant mother with my dead name written on her belly, now immortalized on that CD for everyone to see. My role in this world was predestined even before I was even born. I know it wasn't my family's intention to make those photos something to hurt me, but now that's what they represent to me. I feel bad, I wanted to be able to enjoy my childhood moments, but I'm not cis, I can't. Besides, there were many music CDs, even a Gorillaz one (it wasn't working. like everything that is too good to truth), and I felt I should buy a blank CD to put my photos of the real currently me, expressing myself as I truly am, just for ME to see. You know, just to try to recover this specific type of nostalgia I couldn't have. Being trans sucks (for me). Sorry, I really love my community. I love my trans sisters, brothers and NBs, but I still can't be proud of who I am. Being trans is currently, something that causes me more pain than pride. I still have a long way to go until then.

Also, I've been into emo culture recently. I'm not gonna dress emo because, first: I live in Brazil, it's summer here and it's hot as fuck. Second: I don't like to limit myself to a specific subculture, I think I can enjoy many of them and express myself in a way that encompasses all my fashion inspirations. But I really like these things, and etc... I'm also working on a short Valentine's Day comic. If you want to read it, it will be available on my Tapas when I finish it.

Damn... one page by a day is being enough to make me tired. And i just remember that I have to work on today's page, so... bye!