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therealtrashI've been in a depressed state for a while. I tried to move on and started doing small things that could help me get back into a routine, like trying to wake up a little earlier. But it didn't take long for me to revert to my current life. This always ends up happening to me, no matter what I do, it always pushes me back to that life. I wake up and spent about two hours on my phone, without getting up, without the energy to start the day. It seems like it doesn't matter if I wake up or not, what does it matter in the end? My day will always be the same, without progress. I don't even know what day it is, I've lost track of time. For months I haven't felt like myself, I haven't felt alive. I simply don't know what I'm doing, I'm just surviving, but I don't care about anything that happens around me. Things have also been difficult at home. I don't want to go into details, but I spend most of the day in my room, with the lights off, avoiding going out as much as possible because I don't want to interact, I don't want to hear the arguments, it's already too noisy inside my head. My diet isn't good, I shower maybe 4 times by week, I feel lost, and the only thing giving me strength right now are my art projects. But I also feel a bit lost in them. Like, so many projects, so much to express, it's a bit overwhelming, but I can't stay far for it for long, it's all I have, it's my refuge. I see people's lives online, it doesn't affect me much, it doesn't change anything in my life, but it's like a refuge to keep me focused on other people's struggles, other people's lives, and their forms of artistic expression. This kind of makes me feel envious and even makes me think, sometimes, when I see someone in a worse situation, that I'd like to be in their place, that I don't have enough reasons to be like I am. But that's not exactly what I think, it's hard to explain... I don't want to see anyone suffering, nor do I want to suffer, but I feel envious of people's lives when they seem good and I feel envious of the pain of people who seem to be in a worse situation than mine, because it seems more valid compared to mine. Does that make sense? I think I just contradicted myself. But I can't put it into words, I don't know... Honestly, I don't know what I'm trying to communicate. I simply don't care about myself, I don't care if I die, I'm trying to care, but my head is just lost on a place I have no idea where. There's someone who's being a bit of unkind to me. This person always tries to make everything revolve around them and talks bullshit every fckn day. I've tried to help, but they don't help themselves. I think I need to be less passive, less kind, because I'm starting to lose my patience and feeling like a dumbass. But at the same time, I don't want to get involved in any stupid fights. I just want to rot in my room alone, is that too much to ask? I don't want anyone to mention my name, my dead name. In fact, I don't want to hear anyone referring to me, asking me things. I don't care, leave me alone! Can't people just forget I exist? I don't have that responsibility, I don't want to interact with anyone, I never chose to be born into a social species. Bro, if I can't even handle my own problems, I don't want to hear yours! Then people will think I'm rude. Actually, I think I need to be more of an asshole, then people will avoid me in real life. The people who live around me have nothing in common with me! I would never have chosen to live with them if I had a choice, and at the first opportunity I get to leave this place, I'm going to do it! It doesn't matter if I don't know how to do anything, I'll learn from life, I don't care if I fuck myself in the way to. I just want to live in the place of my dreams and stories, no matter how problematic they are, I don't want to be who I am in real life, I want to be someone else, I want to live in another world. Oh, yes... Let me inject the art of the problematic mind of me and other weirdos into my veins. I want an overdose of art and surrealistic shit, I want to live every day, always, with my eyes closed, my mind switched off, but connected to another world, my own world. But without remembering who I am in this world, I want to choose how many lives I want to live and how many worlds I want to visit, and nobody can stop me while I'm in MY world! Because I rule this shit, or at least I'm trying, and I won't give up. I just want to stay in my room, in my mind, in my dreams, or nightmares. I don't want to go out, just, please, leave me alone.
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Date: 2026-06-15 01:26 am (UTC)I would rather spend time with you than People I know. I hate living in my area. I want to be with someone in another world. I want to be only with one person. I wouldn't spending it with you. I feel so burned out by life and feel so pointless. I just sit in my room all day waiting for someone to take me. It never happens. I watch other people succeed and what do I have? Im such a fucking loser. I just want someone to make me forget. In Heaven, Everything is Fine...
Re: ...
Date: 2026-06-21 08:00 am (UTC)Re: ...
Date: 2026-06-21 04:00 pm (UTC)