Talking about a bunch of bullshit

This loneliness isn't something recent. I remember the good times I spent alone, wishing someone was there to share that moment with me. You know, someone my age, someone I could call a "friend," and maybe even a crush. Basically, the stereotype of the "childhood friend." Two children living happily, seeing the beauty in small things, exploring the world together, always sharing secrets with each other. A truly unforgettable companionship. That never happened. I had a few classmates, but they weren't exactly my friends. I mean, we barely knew each other outside of school. Once, a girl threw a slumber party at her house (but you didn't have to actually wear pajamas). You might think, "A dream of any teen girl!", but I know she only invited me because of pity. I was always the "quiet kid." I wish things weren't so stereotypical, but it was. Since kindergarten, I've avoided talking to everyone. I had terrible social anxiety, which is perhaps less intense now, but it still gets in the way of my life. At that party, I felt very out of place. I didn't identify with the topics the girls were discussing, I wasn't interested. I always felt out of place in all-girls environments, like I was an imposter, like I shouldn't be there. I don't know if it was because I'm trans, because I was the quiet kid and it felt strange when someone included me in something, or because I'm neurodivergent. Maybe it was all of that, I don't care anymore. I remember how embarrassing that day ended. It was raining and it was night, and the girls and I were lying down watching Spider-Man. I didn't like it, but I was watching it anyway to feel part of the group. Then I heard one of the girls' mothers arriving and saying that my mom and grandma were at the gate calling me. Yes, my grandma made my mom go out in the rain with her just to bring me back home. My grandma has always been very controlling. She didn't want me to go to anyone's house without her knowing where it was. I know she was worried, and the party wasn't going very fun, but even though it wasn't going the way I wanted, I was finally participating in something with children my age. I cried that day. Of course, at the beginning of the party I had to leave because of my grandma. I kept thinking about what they thought of that. They must have thought my family was a bunch of crazy people, since they've always been so protective that I can't go anywhere without my mother, not even now. I'm almost 18, you know, and I'm afraid to buy bread alone. This is the closest I've ever come to "being part of a group of childhood friends". I've always had a creative mind, which was further intensified by the fact that I was a lonely child. I had some imaginary friends, but they didn't have physical appearances. I couldn't see them and knew they were just things from my imagination; they didn't felt real. But when I had no one to play with, I used my imagination a lot to play alone. I created imaginary friends who didn't leave a lasting mark on my childhood; they disappeared quickly, perhaps because I wasn't naive enough to believe they were real people. My childhood seemed very real. For example, I knew the tooth fairy didn't exist, I knew the Easter bunny and the Santa didn't exist; nobody needed to tell me, I simply knew. I had to pretend to my mom and older sister that I didn't know they were the ones who put the coins under my pillow because I didn't want to spoil the magic, even though I never really felt that magic. But once I believed a story my cousin told me, and that was quite embarrassing. My cousin's mother was a teacher (actually, I think she still is, even though she's almost an elderly lady now), and once she brought a bunch of toys that I think she would give to her students, and my cousin gave me one of them: a necklace with a pink plastic heart that, if you pressed the button on the back, lit up and glowed. She told me there was a portal in my house, near the stairs, and that if I turned on the necklace near it, I could access the portal and befriend the unicorns that lived there. Can you believe I was so lonely that I actually believed it and spent a good amount of time pressing the heart button on the necklace, waiting for the unicorns to appear? In my head, since she lived in my house before me, she knew more about the house than I did, so the portal thing must be real. I think this was before my first tooth fell out, and I think that's when the magic of a child's mind truly died. She didn't need to tell me it was a lie; I realized it myself that same day. And ironically, the child who almost always knew that the fantastical things children used to believe in weren't real was the child who most wanted to experience a magical event. I still have that desire, actually, mainly because I really wanted to find refuge in another world. A mysterious and supernatural world. Sometimes I wish I had been more innocent; perhaps then my childhood would have seemed less boring and lonely. But, although I always refused to play with other children at school because I always felt out of place and had terrible social anxiety since birth, my childhood wasn't so lonely after all. Because, although I was one of the few children in the family at that time, there was still one more, my little cousin. I vaguely remember my younger aunt pregnant with her second child. She told me it was a boy, and I asked, "Will he like dinosaurs like boys uses to?" And boi... that was a real irony of fate, because my cousin's great obsession when he was born was precisely dinosaurs. To be honest, I felt kind of powerful about it, as if, somehow, I had made him like dinosaurs. I don't remember exactly when he started to be interested in them, but I like to think it was my aunt who heard my words and introduced him to the world of dinosaurs. Seriously, my cousin was known as "the dinosaur boy" because he had a HUGE collection of them. Almost always, when we played, we played with his dinosaurs. He always brought his toys because I didn't really like playing with mine in front of other people, and he wasn't interested in mine either. Since he was kind of spoiled and had a lot of toys, he always brought one of his so we could play. Actually, I played with my cousin more out of obligation, lol. I was kind of his "babysitter" when his parents weren't home (which happened most of the time). He wasn't that young, he's four years younger than me. And since I was the youngest between my siblings and didn't know what it was like to be "the oldest," I felt kind of strong around my cousin, like I had a sense of responsibility. And, even though he was often at my grandma's house (which was next to mine) and I didn't feel like playing with him, I really enjoyed his company. Despite our differences, we had so many good times together that I'll never forget them. I slept at his house many times (since my grandma only let me sleep at my relatives' houses) and we had a lot of fun. When his parents were asleep, we often pretended to be asleep too, and then we'd get up in the middle of the night to play in secret. (We got caught many times, lol). It was so much fun. They used to order pizza when I was there, and even though I was always too shy to eat in front of people, it was a pleasure to eat there. (My only complaint is that they used knives and forks to eat pizza, and I was always incredulous with such a thing.) I was responsible for teaching my cousin many things. As I mentioned, he was somewhat spoiled by his parents. So, when my mom, my sister, or some aunt took us shopping, I would tell him not to throw a tantrum to get what he wanted because he wasn't at home. And when he was making drama about something, I would simply say, "Oh, is that how it is? Then I won't play with you anymore." And that was enough to make him behave properly again, lol. I think that worked better than hitting him, as his mother often did, even though she was responsible for him being so spoiled (along with his father, who spoiled him even more). Now i stop to think, she was a great example of the typical "boy mom," who treated her son better than her daughter. Because my cousin's older sister (who has always been a sweetheart to me, and is the only person besides my sister in my family who knows I'm trans and supports me) always talked about how difficult her childhood was with her mother. Her father isn't the same father as her brother; they're half-siblings, and she grew up only with her mother, who used to be much more harder with the punishments she gave her back then. Their relationship has improved, I think, but I believe she's still a little hurt by the past. Luckily, she found such a supportive group in her boyfriend's family (with whom she lives in another city now). Anyway, when I slept over at his house, sometimes we'd watch a really long DVD before bed. I didn't know the name of the DVD, but my cousin called it "The Dinosaur Professor." It was basically a documentary about dinosaurs, narrated by a cartoon dinosaur professor, duh! I remember he always fell asleep before the DVD finished, lol. I didn't even see the end because his older sister always took the DVD off the TV first, since it was really long. Some people in my family said I wouldn't like playing with him because "dinosaurs aren't for girls," but after playing a lot with his dinosaurs, watching many videos, seeing many documentaries, and reading many books he showed me, I ended up liking it. I learned the names of almost all the dinosaurs because of him, And I was considered kind of a "tomboy" because I only played with my cousin and our games were almost always considered "boy games." I really didn't care, lol. Because years after that I discovered I wasn't even a girl. But I had some relationship problems with him. As time went on, things changed. I was growing up and our tastes were becoming different, and I didn't want to have just a relative as a friend. But people always blamed the fact that "he was a boy and I was a girl." That wasn't it at all! It was just time that decided... our friendship wouldn't be eternal. Nowadays, we don't talk anymore. No, we didn't fight or anything, we just drifted apart naturally, as happens with many friendships. He has a bunch of new friends now, and I'm kind of proud that at least he managed to move on and make new friends, since before he also only had me as a friend. It was around this time that my cousin and I started to drift apart, and a girl who studied with me moved into one of the houses my grandpa rented (which was basically above mine). I won't go into detail about our relationship because I'd have to write a whole new text just about that, since many things that changed my life (not in a good way) happened. But keep in mind that she wasn't a good example of a friend. She was very toxic and i got a bunch of traumas because of her. But one of the few good things that happened because of her was that, through a friend of her mother, I got my first cat, who unfortunately passed away due to kidney problems. One of my biggest dreams was always to have a cat, but I didn't have much motivation to convince my mother to adopt one, but my ex-friend somehow managed to. Anyway, I did had some company in my life, but it wasn't the kind of friendships I had in mind, and it all ended very quickly that today it all feels like a fever dream. I think this loneliness feeling, is why I started to feel that some people I meet in my dreams aren't figments of my imagination, but somehow real people. I've talked about this before, and about how sometimes I meet these "friends" in my dreams who seem strangely and disturbingly real. Instead of usually meeting a person in my dream and knowing they're not real, not seeming real, just seeming as they should, like a character from my dreams. But if I stop to think about these strange exceptions in my mind... I've actually had more friends in my dreams than in real life. And I still miss them, as if we've known each other all our lives, it's strange... anyway. That was today's bullshit. In the next entry(ies), maybe I'll do a kind of "review" of the anime that made me so uncomfortable that I felt comfortable and identified with the protagonist's misery. If you're curious, it's "The Summer Hikaru Died". 🚨SPOILER!!🚨: Hikaru dies. That's it. Bye. What? Did you find it strange that I just did a stream of consciousness after having a meltdown on my previous posts? Don't worry, this is nothing new, I do it quite often.

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No, i'm not gonna stop making big ass random texts about random things.